March Reflections

Another month is already here! It’s hard to believe how quickly this year is flying by.

March was an exciting month for two reasons. The first was that, after eight weeks of intensive writing, I finally finished my rewrite of my novel! I have to admit, writing was HARD in March. I thought that I’d get more motivated as I got closer to the end, but I just ended up getting more tired with each passing week. By the time I made it to the final week, I was just desperate to wrap things up.

Luckily I had my AMM community to keep me motivated. Seeing my fellow mentees make progress on their novels made me want to work on my novel, too. I honestly don’t know if I could have stayed as disciplined without the program and my writing group to keep me accountable. This is why it’s super important to have a support system as a writer.

My novel’s definitely not in perfect shape yet, but I am SO happy with how it’s turned out so far. I feel confident that I’ve addressed a lot of the issues my writing group pointed out in my previous draft. They’ve read about 10 out of 40ish chapters and they all agreed that it was a great rewrite and I was definitely moving in the right direction. Hearing that gave me a much-needed morale boost.

So what happens now? I’ll spend another two weeks cleaning up some chapters and then I’ll send it to my AMM mentor to read. If she doesn’t have any major feedback, I’ll spend another few weeks polishing up the prose and then send the whole draft to two additional beta readers, along with my writing group. At that point, if everyone gives me the thumbs up, I’ll start the process of querying my novel and trying to find a literary agent for it. It’s hard to believe that I rang in this year fretting about whether I was a strong enough writer to implement my writing group’s feedback, and now I’m here less than three months later with a strong new draft! Go, me!

The second reason March was exciting was that I signed a lease on a new apartment! It was love at first sight when I saw my new place, and not just because they were offering four months of free rent as a Covid concession and my new building has some amazing amenities like an indoor tennis court and gardening room (okay, those things were a pretty big part of it too). The funny part is the things I’m most excited for are features I’m sure most people would find pretty boring: actual counter space in my kitchen, a bathtub, a washer/dryer IN the unit (my fellow New Yorkers will understand what a big deal this is).

Everything happened so fast with the apartment. Within a week, I’d seen the listing, viewed the apartment in person, and signed my lease. I’m making the big move on April 30th, and I can’t wait!

March was very productive, but it was also pretty laidback. April, on the other hand, is going to be a different story. This month I’ll be:

-Getting back into dating after a four month break

-Doing another egg freezing cycle

-Working with my AMM mentor on revisions

-Doing an orientation for a new volunteer opportunity

-Job searching because my current contract will be up in a few months

-Moving

I should also be getting my Covid vaccine this month! My friends and family have all gotten at least one dose by now, so I’m the holdout. But I’ll finally be eligible in two days! If all goes well, I’ll have my first shot by the end of this week!

Now that I’m not writing 2000 words a day of my novel, hopefully I’ll have more writing stamina to post more regularly on this blog. I’ve missed you guys!

I hope everyone else had a great month. Here’s to another great month ahead!

Stoic Adventure #1: 30-Day Yoga Challenge

I knew going into the new year that I didn’t want to just set a bunch of vague resolutions like I did in years past. Life is unpredictable (as 2020 was so keen to teach us). I’ve learned that despite your best intentions, there will always be circumstances out of your control, circumstances that will hinder and even erase progress you’ve made towards your goals. I’ve also learned that goals can change. I don’t want all the same things I wanted last year, because I’m not the same person I was then.

As readers of this blog will know, I’ve spent a lot of time learning about happiness and what it truly means to be happy. Science has shown that wealth, fame, beauty, and all the other things we as a society mistakenly chase, don’t necessarily make us happier. It’s ultimately our attitudes and how grateful we are for our circumstances that make a real difference. This is a concept many of us haven’t quite grasped. That’s why we’re so moved when we see a video of a school janitor bursting into happy tears when a group of students sings happy birthday to him or when we read about a guard at Disney World who asks little girls dressed up as princesses for their autographs. On the flip side, we’re shocked when celebrities who seem to have it all take their own lives. These stories don’t fit our idea of who’s supposed to be happy and who’s not.

I’ve been thinking about life lately and what it means to be a living, breathing person who occupies our little planet. We’re alive for a certain number of years and then one day we’re gone. That’s just a fact, but what are you supposed to do with that time here? If being wealthy and famous and having a six-pack doesn’t matter when you’re on your deathbed, what should you aspire to?

It all sounds a little nihilistic and there have been days where I’ve felt a little morbid thinking about it, but the strange thing is, I’ve also found a lot of inspiration in the idea that life is fleeting. I’ve started to think of my life as a story or a canvas. Books end, paintings are finished, but it’s up to the artist to fill it up with as much excitement and beauty and adventure and twists as possible. When you look it at that way, there are no good things and bad things. There are only experiences and, while I haven’t quite figured out the meaning of life just yet (sorry), I have decided that for me a meaningful life means getting to experience as much of it as possible.

I want to do things that scare and exhilarate me. I want to flirt with handsome strangers and travel to amazing places and learn new skills and meet interesting people. I want to fail and learn from my failures and do things I didn’t think I was capable of doing. I want to have adventures both big and small, and I want to collect good memories the way other people collect rare coins or stamps.

In one of his books, modern Stoic William Irvine talks about the concept of “Stoic adventures.” This means regularly subjecting yourself to trials where there’s a high chance of failure or rejection. Going on these Stoic adventures teaches you to be more comfortable with failures, and that there are elements of every experience that are in and out of your control.

I loved this idea. I’m a big believer in the importance of failing, but being the hypocrite I am, I also do everything I can to reduce my odds of failing. Even if that means not taking a chance in the first place.

I don’t want to live that way anymore. That’s why this year I’m going to spend every week taking on a new Stoic adventure. Some will be small things and some will be bigger things, but they’ll all be things that are hard or scary or I have a chance of failing, but will improve my life in some way. I’ll be posting about each adventure on this blog to keep myself accountable.

The first adventure of the year is doing Yoga with Adriene’s 30-day yoga challenge. This might not sound very scary but if you knew how bad I was at working out regularly, you’d understand that this is no easy feat for me. I don’t think I’ve ever worked out for 30 days in a row in my entire life. Having said that, I’m excited to share I’ve already made it to day 9 with no days skipped so far! I’ll be posting a final update once I make it to the end of the challenge.

I hope you’ll join me as I embark on this adventure (or 52 adventures). I’m a little nervous, but mostly I’m just excited. It won’t be easy, but if I can pull this off, I know it’ll be a year to remember.

All of Life’s Branches

Last week I read the book The Midnight Library, which is about a young woman named Nora Seed who’s so unhappy with her disappointing life that she resolves to end it. In the place between life and death, however, she finds herself in a mysterious library that allows her to “try out’ all the lives that could have been.

It got me thinking about all the decisions I’ve ever made in my life and how each of them have affected the course it’s taken. For example, if I’d spent the last year dating more instead of pining over one dude who lived across the country, could I have met the love of my life? How would that person’s life have been different now if he’d met me? Maybe spending time with him would have changed the relationship I have with my friends and family. Maybe I would have been less inspired to work towards my personal aspirations. There’s no way to know what might have been.

Far more interesting than dwelling on the past, however, is the present. I mean, if I chose to, I could quit my job right now. I could book a plane ticket to Paris, use my savings to rent a cheap apartment, and find myself a handsome Parisian lover named Henri. Will I actually do any of that? Probably not (sorry, Henri). My point, though, is that I could do all of that, and that’s both a terrifying and exhilarating thing.

We go through our lives feeling like we don’t have control over what happens to us, but we have so much more power than we realize. Within each of us are little infinities of lives we could live, and it’s the decisions we make each day—both major and seemingly insignificant—that determine how our lives will branch out.

This is one of the major themes of The Midnight Library, but there’s another equally as important lesson. In each of the lives Nora Seed visits—from famous rockstar to Olympic swimmer to average wife and mother—there are both joys and disappointments awaiting her. This is why it’s pointless to dwell on all our “could-have-been’s.” It’s so easy to convince yourself that if you only did this or if you just took a chance on that, you could be living a much better life than you are now, but the far likelier possibility is that, even in that life, you’d still have good and bad days.

After reading The Midnight Library, I have a new perspective on the decisions I make each day. It’s up to me to chart my own course for a great day, but beyond that a great life. If I’ve learned anything from Nora Seed, it’s that there’s no way to know what actually dictates “the perfect life,” but an abundance of love—friends, family, significant others, pets—seems like an important requirement. Beyond that, it’s being grateful to wake up each day, to take another breath and know that you have a new chance to explore all of the wondrous things life has to offer. And it all starts with a choice.

The Power of Negative Thinking

As a new year rapidly approaches (thank god), most of us are sitting at home thinking about everything we want to accomplish in 2021. That’s the magic of a new year—something about the moment that second hand ticks to midnight convinces us that this is it, our chance to finally make all our dreams come true. We fantasize about the promotions we’ll get, the whirlwind romances in our future, our svelte new physiques. Never mind that we had similar hopes in the past only for our motivation to fizzle out by March. This year will be different.

Well, it can be, and that’s where WOOP comes in. WOOP stands for Wish, Outcome, Obstacle, Plan. It’s also known as Mental Contrasting with Implementation Intentions (MCII), and psychologist Gabriele Oettingen spent over 20 years researching it (fun fact: she’s also a real-life princess…how badass is that?). You can read all about her work in her book, Rethinking Positive Thinking: Inside The New Science Of Motivation.

The idea behind WOOP is that positive thinking alone isn’t enough to help you achieve a goal to completion. Sure, pinning a bunch of inspiring Pinterest quotes to your mood board can help, but it’s only one step of the journey, and too much of that daydreaming can actually hinder you from reaching your goal. Studies have shown, “Those who have stronger, more positive fantasies about reaching their goals are actually less likely to achieve them.”

There are a lot of great reasons to try WOOP. According to the official website, WOOP can help you improve your health, social behavior, and academic performance. It can even help you overcome past disappointments, resentments, and other negative feelings. The best part? It’s absolutely free, and anyone can do it anywhere, anytime.

So how do you actually do WOOP? It’s very easy and only takes 5-10 minutes. Start by finding a quiet place where you won’t be interrupted. Make sure you are calm and relaxed. Then, follow these steps:

Set a timeframe for your goal. You don’t have to set one if you don’t wish, but it can be anywhere from a day to much longer.
Think about the next month (or whatever timeframe you chose). Pick a wish that will be challenging, but you can fulfill. In 3-6 words, write down this wish.
Think about the best possible outcome and how fulfilling that wish would make you feel. In 3-6 words, write down your best outcome.
Now take a few moments to imagine the outcome. Lose yourself in your daydream and the positive feelings that’ll accompany accomplishing that goal.
Identify your main inner obstacle to achieving that wish. What within you might hold you back? Fear? Laziness? In 3-6 words, write down your main obstacle.
Take a few moments to imagine your obstacle. Lose yourself, just as you did in your daydream. Allow yourself to fully feel the frustrations and negative feelings.
Make an if-then plan. Come up with an action you can take or a thought you can think to overcome your main obstacle. Your plan should follow this format: If (obstacle happens), then (I will do this). For example, your if-then plan could be: If (I feel too lazy to workout), then (I will change into my gym clothes).
Write down your if-then plan and slowly repeat it to yourself a few times.

And that’s it, you just completed your first WOOP! What’s great about WOOP is that you can use it in every part of your life, from your career to your health to your relationships. You can do it as often as you need or whenever your goals change. I recommend checking out the official website linked above, which includes lots of interesting research and useful resources, including a free app that lets you track your progress towards your goals.

Too often we get lost in our fantasies, making great progress towards our goals until we encounter our first obstacle and find ourselves faltering. The great thing about WOOP is that it accounts for those obstacles, which are often inevitable, and arms us with a plan for overcoming them.

I plan on using WOOP often in 2021 to help me reach my goals. If you decide to give it a try, be sure to let me know how it worked for you. Here’s hoping all that negative thinking leads to a whole lot of positive outcomes in the new year!

Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas

Here’s a little-known fact about me: I LIVE for the last four months of the year. Yes, I am one of those obnoxious people who will celebrate the season with pumpkin spice lattes and advent calendars and twinkly lights all over my apartment.

I mean, what’s not to love? You can go outside without the heat melting your makeup off, all the new TV shows come out, you get time off from work, the stores are all decked out with festive decorations, and you can spend the whole month watching cheesy holiday-themed movies.

But while I absolutely love the lead up to all the big holidays, I find myself wishing we could skip most of them. Halloween is great, but the other big three—Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Year’s—always leave me with a funny feeling. I think at least part of that has to do with expectations. These are supposed to be some of the best days of the year, so if you have anything less than a perfect day, it feels like a disappointment. The other part is that we don’t really do a whole lot for those holidays in my family. We’ll exchange presents on Christmas day and maybe order out for dinner, but most of the time I’ll find myself on social media, jealously scrolling through all the pictures of big families and mouthwatering feasts.

Not to mention, since everyone’s busy on the actual holidays, you can’t even call your friends to hang out on those days! Growing up, I used to dream about the day I’d have my own house so I could throw a fabulous Christmas party or invite all my friends over to ring in the New Year. I’ve done the latter before and it was nice, but Covid means I’ll most likely be ringing in 2021 by myself (considering my parents will probably be asleep by 10).

Okay, okay, I didn’t mean to be a total grinch. In fact, I’m determined to have a great Christmas and NYE this year, and I’m going to do it my own way. If you’re not exactly looking forward to your own holiday celebrations this year, consider giving some of these suggestions a try:

Eat Something Tasty

Who says you need an epic feast? All you need are some of your favorite foods. The holidays are your ultimate cheat day, so go ahead and have that second slice of cake. If you feel inclined, you could try making something from scratch. Baking is a known stress buster!

Soak in the Bath

Bath bomb, face mask, candles, and relaxing tunes…need I say more?

Movie Marathon

If you’re into cheesy holiday movies like me, Netflix is an absolute treasure trove. You could also watch some of the classics, or even your favorite movie that has nothing to do with the holidays. A Christmas Prince? Jurassic Park? Both valid choices!

Treat Yo’ Self

You know there’s something on your Amazon Wishlist you’ve been dying to get but have put off because it’s too much of a frivolous purchase. Don’t think, just add it to your cart. After the year that was 2020, you deserve it.

Treat Others

It’s a well-known fact that acts of kindness are a major contributor to happiness. Today is the perfect day to donate to charity or pack up some of those treats you baked and leave them outside your neighbor’s door.

Stop the Scroll

Take a break from social media, today. The last thing you need to see is one of your friends unboxing the expensive gift her boyfriend sent her or someone else you know surrounded by their extended family while you’re stuck at home alone.

Set the Scene

Ambiance is very important. Maybe you don’t have a Christmas tree or all the decorations out this year (I don’t), but you can still zhuzh up your space a little. Even if that’s just playing a video of a crackling fireplace on your TV like I did when I was practicing hygge. In the past, I cut out a bunch of paper snowflakes and taped them to the ceiling with a bit of string. Cheap and effective!

Festive Video Chat

If you can’t be with friends or family this year, spend a bit of time catching up with them over FaceTime. Make sure everyone has a cup of cocoa or eggnog (or something stronger). You could even don your ugly Christmas sweaters and play some holiday music in the background.

Be Grateful

So your holidays don’t look exactly how they’re supposed to, but I’m willing to bet there’s something going right in your life. In a year where so many people have struggled, maybe you still have your job or your health or your loved ones. All of those things are worth celebrating and I don’t know about you, but I think they’re more valuable than the perfect Christmas.

Sooo that’s how I’m planning on spending my holidays. I know I didn’t share anything particularly groundbreaking, but I do hope you found something helpful here. Maybe this will even be the year you start a new holiday tradition. Annual Jurassic Park screening, anyone?

When Kindness Isn’t Kind

I’ve always prided myself on being a good person. That means saying “please” and “thank you” to servers, being amiable when I meet new people, helping an old person reach something on the top shelf at the grocery store, spending hours making a homemade card for a friend, the list goes on.

One area of my life where that kindness hasn’t always translated into the best results for me is dating. Here are just some of the things my niceness made me do:

Go on an extra date with someone I did’t feel a spark with because the thought of rejecting them made me feel too guilty
Stay way too long on dates where I wasn’t enjoying myself
Not date other people while I was seeing someone I wasn’t exclusive with because I thought they would be hurt if they found out (even though they were doing the exact same thing)
Constantly rearrange or cut my own plans short so I could accommodate someone else’s schedule
Spend time and money planning surprises and gifts for men who would eventually tell me they’d fallen in love with someone else

At this point you’re thinking, that’s not being nice…that’s being a total doormat! And yes, I was absolutely a doormat, but it took some time and distance to see that.

This is the thing about kindness, you’re not really being kind if you’re hurting someone, and in all these situations I was hurting someone: me.

I was all too willing to put my own needs and desires on the back-burner. I did everything I could to make the other person in the situation happy, even at the expense of my own happiness. When I got upset that someone I was seeing didn’t communicate with me enough between dates, I swallowed my own disappointment, I reasoned that he had a much more demanding job than me and didn’t have as much time to text, I convinced myself I was unreasonable to expect more from him. (P.S. It’s interesting how all those people who claim to be bad texters magically find the time to text the girls they like).

I don’t know when I convinced myself that speaking up about what I want isn’t “nice,” but I wasn’t doing anyone any favors with that attitude. Eventually all my resentment would boil over, and I’d get frustrated with someone for not doing the thing I’d never asked them to do in the first place. Sure, in many of those situations they probably knew better, but in some of them they didn’t. By the point I confessed all the things I was unhappy about, it would often be too late. They were all ready to move on, but we would both sit there for a bit wondering what would have happened if I’d just been up front about everything from the get-go.

If I’m being very honest, my acts of kindness weren’t always motivated solely by my need to brighten someone’s day. That was definitely part of it, but it was also because I wanted people to like me. That’s why I shipped my ex’s favorite cookies to him across the country and set up a whole spa in my apartment complete with my very own proprietary spa water and diced fruit to help him relax when he was stressed from work. As it turns out, if someone isn’t investing in you, doing this kind of stuff isn’t going to make them like you more. They’re going to keep treating you the exact same way, and now they’ll know that no matter how little they give, you’re still going to spoil them with your time and affection.

Whenever a man I was dating would choose someone else, I would always wonder what the other woman gave him that I couldn’t. I mean, here I was leaping at every chance I could to accommodate his time, protect his feelings, do nice things for him, go out of my way trying to figure out how I could make our time together more special. What else could this other woman possibly be doing??

I’m pretty sure the answer is, she wasn’t doing any of that stuff. I’m guessing she was honest about her needs, and she didn’t invest 110% into someone who was only giving her 20%. She made it clear with her words and actions that they’d have to start giving more if they wanted to get more.

So if I can impart some hard-earned wisdom to you it’s this: asking for what you want doesn’t make you less nice. Expecting someone to treat you with the same respect you give them doesn’t make you less nice. Putting yourself first doesn’t make you less nice.

You can still be a good person and get everything you want. So, let’s all start being a little kinder, first and foremost, to ourselves.

You Can Always Come Home

The American singer Alan Jackson once sang:

You can always come home
Wherever life’s road leads
You can get back
To a love that’s strong and free
You’ll never be alone
In your heart there’s still a place
No matter how right or wrong you’ve gone
You can always come home

As an introvert, I’ve always thought I was pretty good at navigating my alone time, especially during the pandemic. I was able to fill up my days with solo activities and discover new ways to keep myself occupied at home, even impressing friends and family who would ask with curiosity and a little bit of awe, “How do you not get bored being alone all the time?”

Admittedly, that alone time got a little harder to navigate after I went separate ways with the last person I dated. I was still mostly okay, but there were times—laying in bed at night or when my mind began to wander—that I’d feel it. That tiny but potent ache, the one that made me yearn to be held, to be with someone who made me feel warm and safe, to be taken care of.

This past Friday, my older sister came to pick me up so we could drive to my parents’ house for the holidays. Though I talk to my family almost every day, it had been a few months since I’d seen them or been home. I was looking forward to being reunited with everyone, but I also felt a faint sense of dread as we set off. It was the first time I’d be back home since things ended with my ex. I worried that if my mother made comments about me settling down or if I didn’t have my usual activities to distract me, it would make me think of him and all the negative emotions I’d done such a good job of evading so far. There were so many unpredictable factors at home that I didn’t have to worry about in the safety of my apartment and daily routine.

We got home around lunchtime, and by the time we walked through the door, there were already two plates of warm, home-cooked food waiting for me and my sister. To someone who’d spent the last few weeks eating salads, microwave meals, and takeout, I couldn’t get enough. Each bite made me think of my childhood, to all the times I’d gotten home from school to find my mom bustling around the kitchen, preparing my afternoon snack.

A lot of times when I come home, I’ll get bored pretty quickly. I’ll retreat to my bedroom and watch a movie on my laptop or see if any hometown friends are available to meet up. The last few times I came home, I would keep my phone beside me, anxiously checking to see if my ex had returned a text yet.

This time, I didn’t want to retreat. I wanted to be present and soak up every good feeling. Over the weekend, we spent a lot of time together as a family. My parents sat with us in the kitchen while my sister and I tried out new recipes, we watched the snow fall outside while laughing about past memories, we spent hours video-chatting with extended family, my sister and I snuggled up together at night the way we used to when we were younger and watched cheesy television.

The thing is, when you start telling yourself a story, it doesn’t matter if it’s true or not. The only thing that matters is if you believe it’s true. For a long time, the story I’ve been telling myself is that I’m alone. I don’t have a boyfriend or as big of a social circle as I’d like. Not even a roommate to keep me company during this pandemic. I was so lonely, and I was tired of being alone.

But then you have these moments that put everything back into perspective. When my mom offered up something for the umpteenth time (“Take these bananas with you,” “Do you need more paper towels?” “Here’s some cookware you can take with you.”), or my dad jumped up and got ready to drive to the store anytime we even vaguely mentioned needing something, or my sister spoiled me the way she always has since I was a baby, I was overcome by how wrong I’d been.

I’d spent months, maybe even longer, bemoaning the love I didn’t have in my life, never appreciating the love I did have. My parents and sister would call me daily, checking up on me, seeing if I needed anything, and I would brush them off so I could invest all my emotions and energy into people who didn’t invest in me at all. Despite that, their love for me never changed.

I still have a few more weeks left at home. I’ll probably get annoyed at my family a bunch of times while I’m here, but I’ll also be grateful that I get to spend this time with them. In the new year, I’ll head back to the city. I’ll take risks and push myself, experience both successes and failures, but above all I’m going to remind myself as often as I can that I will never be alone, no matter how much I try to convince myself otherwise. Knowing that, I already feel a little braver in building the life I want. Everything’s easier when you have people you love in your corner, and I’m willing to bet if you take a close look at your life, you’ll find you have plenty of people in your corner, too.

The Art of Coziness

Let me set a scene for you: powdery, white snow blankets the city. The usual barrage of honking horns and loud passerby are missing from the streets. Inside, the radiator hisses and rattles as it breathes warm air into the room, and a fire crackles in the hearth. Something warm is bubbling on the stove. The lights are dimmed and candles flicker all around you, and in your hands you hold a cozy book and a cup of hot chocolate. You feel safe, and warm, and content. This is hygge.

That was more or less what my evening looked like yesterday. Okay, I don’t have a fireplace, so I played a video of one on my TV, and there definitely wasn’t anything bubbling on the stove (I ordered takeout again, sue me), but I think I had the general concept down.

Yesterday I read, The Little Book of Hygge by Meik Wiking (amazing name). There’s a good chance you’re already familiar with this Danish concept of coziness, since it gained some global popularity a few years ago. The exact definition is difficult to pin down since it’s more of a feeling, but you’ve probably experienced it before. It’s candles, and warmth, and togetherness, and a coziness you feel in your very soul.

The great thing about hygge is anyone can do it anywhere. It doesn’t cost a specified amount of money, and you can do it with other people or alone. Here is “The Hygge Manifesto” as laid out in the book:

Atmosphere: dim lighting, candles, cozy setting
Presence: be here in the moment, no phones allowed
Pleasure: indulge in a warm drink and something sweet or hearty (preferably home-cooked)
Equality: help share tasks, like cooking, and don’t make the conversation all about you
Gratitude: appreciate this moment
Harmony: this is not the time to brag about your promotion or new car
Comfort: let yourself truly unwind
Truce: save the debates and controversial topics for another day
Togetherness: reminisce about shared memories and build relationships
Shelter: these are your people and this is your place. You’re safe here.

There are other great tips in the book, like what to eat (meals that take a long time to prepare are ideal) and what to wear (warm sweaters and wool socks). Reading it made me realize I’ve been a connoisseur of the hygge lifestyle for ages. For me, a warm drink + candles + a cozy book + rain = pure bliss.

It’s no wonder the people of Denmark are so happy, considering hygge is such a huge part of their national identity. It combines some of the most important elements necessary for happiness: social connection, gratitude, and savoring. They could have let the cold, dreary winters bring down their moods, but instead the Danes discovered a way to appreciate the joy and magic of the season.

In a time of increasing polarization, a global pandemic, and unprecedented obstacles, hygge can be especially useful. I loved the concept of hyggesnak, which doesn’t mean, as I initially assumed, the snacks you eat during hygge but “chitchat or cozy conversation that doesn’t touch on controversial issues.” Obviously, issues having to do with politics or social justice are very important, but I think people on both sides of these discussions can agree that they can be very draining. Taking a moment to breath and enjoy a quiet moment with friends might be just what the doctor ordered. Then, instead of a bunch of frazzled, high-strung people yelling at each other, we can have nuanced, productive conversations.

Last night, as I watched the snow float down from the sky and sipped my hot chocolate, I felt like I was on vacation or I’d been whisked away to some special place. I was actually surprised when I turned the lights back on and realized it was only Wednesday night. There’s a line I enjoy from the Memoirs of a Geisha movie where the main character talks about the art of turning habit into pleasure. To me, that’s what hygge is. It’s taking an ordinary day and transforming it into contentment and great memories.

From now on, I want to treat myself to a hygge moment at least once a week. For now, alone, but when the pandemic is over, with friends and family. I’m looking forward to the day when we can sit around in our warm sweaters and fuzzy socks, enjoy good conversation, and just be content to be with the people we love most.

The Happiness Workout

You know what I never realized? How much work actually goes into being happy.

First, you have to set up a bunch of good habits for yourself. Then, you have to actually do those things every day. You have to motivate yourself, overcome the lies your brain tells you about what will actually make you happy, and engage in a constant battle of wills with the negative thoughts floating around your head.

Since I got interested in positive psychology a few months ago, I’ve been trying to implement as much of what I’ve learned into my daily life as possible. I meditate every day, practice gratitude, journal, get 8 hours of sleep (often more), and spend time learning about new happiness practices. There are other areas that I know would make a huge difference and I’ve made some strides in, but I’m nowhere near where I want to be. I can still go weeks without exercising, I order way too much takeout, and as a result of the pandemic, I don’t have nearly as much social connection in my life as I’d like.

When you still have so far to go, it’s easy to feel like you’re not making much progress at all. I haven’t been unhappy these past few days, but I also haven’t been bursting with joy. I haven’t been actively excited about my life, which is the way you want to feel when you’re putting all this work in.

Luckily, my meditation app helped put some things into perspective for me. This morning, after I finished my guided meditation, I was given a prompt about what small changes I’ve noticed since starting my practice. I realized that since I started meditating and putting some of my other positive practices into place, the minor irritations of the day hardly faze me anymore.

In the past, if a car blared its horn for a minute straight outside my window, it would have made my head pound and I’d be unable to focus on anything else. But now? Nothing. If something went wrong at work or I had extra tasks piled on at the last minute, I’d get stressed out. Now I just accept it, knowing that however I feel about it isn’t going to change anything. I dive straight into figuring out a solution, and I’m able to reach a solution or finish the task much quicker.

Even more unbelievable, since I started practicing stoicism, there are times I find myself actually hoping for a setback in my day just so I have a chance to pass a “stoic test.” I never thought I would say that!

Looking back at my progress has me realize happiness is truly like a muscle. It’s something that needs to be exercised in order to become stronger. For the best results, it’s something you have to do regularly, ideally every day. I’m still very early into my happiness journey, and I suppose if happiness was such an easy thing to achieve, the world would look a lot different. People wouldn’t shell out money on cosmetic surgery, or expensive houses and clothes, or work themselves ragged trying to get that promotion—all the things most of us mistakenly think will make us happier.

The good news is, there’s no time limit or deadline on learning how to be happier. It’s a lifelong journey and you can start anytime. Those little bits of progress add up, and maybe as I make more progress and gain more knowledge, the changes will become even easier to notice. That’s how it is with everything else in life: working out, learning how to play an instrument, starting a new course in school. There’s no reason becoming happier should be any different.

My Tiny Kitchen

If you’ve never gone apartment hunting in New York City before, lucky you.

Never in my life did I think I’d be so thankful for basic features like windows and closets, which are in short supply in many NYC apartments. A washer/dryer in the building? It’s like winning the lottery. Having one in your actual apartment? Fuggedaboutit! (p.s. I still have yet to hear an actual New Yorker say this).

Luckily, I’ve actually had some pretty good fortune in this area. My current studio is in a location I love, right by Central Park and lots of great restaurants. It even has a cool little reading nook that you have to climb a ladder to access. There’s only one part of it I really find lacking, and that’s the kitchen.

I hesitate to even use the term kitchen, because of how sparse it is. There’s my fridge, and next to that is the sink, and next to that is the stove and…that’s it. That’s right, that’s my whole kitchen. I don’t even have a counter, just a wooden board to precariously balance over my sink or stove if I need to do any food prep.

Actual footage of me trying to make food in my kitchen

I decided to overlook it, because I liked everything else about the apartment. I also didn’t cook a lot and got a lot of my meals through work, so I figured I’d barely be using it anyway. Then, of course, the pandemic came along, and while everyone else was stress-baking bread and cooking up other delectable recipes, I was trying to figure out a way to use my sink and stove at the same time.

I worried that my kitchen (or lack of) would be a constant source of frustration, but—in that wonderful way humans do—I adapted. I just sort of got used to not having that much space and learned to work around it. I counted my good graces; I was still lucky enough to have a microwave, an oven, and most miraculous of all, a dishwasher. I decided to get resourceful and transformed an old ladder shelf into make-shift storage for my cooking tools. I put a bedside table next to the stove and used it to balance my cutting board when I needed more space.

Whenever I tell others about my tiny kitchen, I always end up concluding with, “Wherever I live after this, my next kitchen is going to seem gigantic compared to this one. I won’t even know what to do with all that extra space!”

In a lot of ways, learning to navigate cooking in this apartment has felt like the times I’ve had to navigate life during its most challenging moments. Take this pandemic, for example.

While others had roommates or partners or family to spend all that time at home with, I was alone. Luckily, my introverted nature prepared me for most of the emotional struggles, but that didn’t mean I didn’t get bored or find myself craving human connection.

Like I’d done with my kitchen, I forced myself to think of the positives of the situation. I still had my health and a job. I had access to food, running water, Netflix. People who lived through past pandemics definitely didn’t have access to all those things. After I took a moment to count my blessings, I decided it was time to get resourceful. With all my extra time, I caught up with friends on video chat, I turned my living room into my own fitness studio, I used my free time to write, cook more, learn how to knit, and even bought a ukulele (that last one was an impulse buy).

If you’ve been following this blog, you know there were also other struggles during this time. I figured, if I could overcome all of that and learn how to enjoy being on my own, generate my own happiness from within, and never get bored in my own company, then everything that comes after this pandemic will just feel like the cherry on top of the sundae.

We let hard times bring us down, but maybe what we really need to do is treat them like a challenge or a training period. It’s like athletes playing practice games before a real game or a writer crumpling up dozens of terrible drafts before creating something beautiful.

Living good lives and being happy, that’s something we need to practice. If you can get it right when everything’s going wrong, you’ll never again worry about what life’s going to throw at you next. You’ve been through the worst, and you handled it. You’ll handle whatever comes next, too.