One Too Many Rejections

Do you know that GIF of Emma Stone crying into her ice cream? Well that was me last night…and this morning…and five minutes ago.

You see, I’ve actually been doing pretty well this year given the sucky hand I’ve been dealt lately. Between having to do four consecutive egg freezing cycles to have any chance of having a biological child in the future, finding out my contract at work isn’t going to be renewed because of Covid-related losses, and having to navigate the depressing world of online dating at 30 years old when I would really rather be married and starting a family, things haven’t been a walk in the park. But despite all that, I woke up happy most days. I counted my blessings, approached life with confidence and hope and excitement.

But that doesn’t mean I still don’t encounter rough patches. And boy are they rough.

I’ve always liked the idea of being someone who bounces back from rejection quickly, who barely even let those sort of minor disappointments affect her. When I interviewed at three companies in one week and got rejected from all of them, I just said, “Oh well, none of those were the right fit for me anyway. I know I’ll find a better match.”

When not one, not two, but FIVE different guys I’d been having great conversations with on dating apps, who had reached out me and expressed interest, who I’d had great chemistry with, who asked me out on dates, all unmatched me suddenly in the days before we were meant to meet, I was bummed but I moved on pretty quickly to the next guy.

And guess what? That next guy turned out to be great and we spent two weeks texting and talking on the phone and for the first time in months I actually got excited about going on a date. I knew it wasn’t wise, but I let myself get too invested before even meeting someone. We both talked about what our ideal day in a relationship might look like, and our visions matched up pretty closely. I started to imagine sharing a cup of coffee or tea with him before work, exploring the city together, cooking dinner with each other every night. We had great chemistry over the phone and it seemed like we were both looking for the exact same things. He was so easy to talk to and we ended up chatting about pretty much everything. I even mentioned to him how I wasn’t a fan of this recent trend of people unmatching or ghosting before a date, and I’d rather someone just tell me if they’re not interested.

We were supposed to go on our first date tomorrow at a cool new exhibit in the city that I’ve been wanting to go to for months (so I was excited for two reasons). Well I’m sure you can guess how this story ends. He ghosted, and I didn’t take it great.

I know I shouldn’t have gotten so invested in someone I didn’t even know. I mean maybe in person we wouldn’t have had that spark, maybe we had some fundamental difference that would have spelled doom for things down the road, maybe, maybe maybe.

That’s the thing that sucks most. I’ll never know what could have been, because I didn’t even get a chance to explore things with him.

Actually that’s not what sucks most. What sucks most is that someone would take the time to put in all that work, would actually bother asking you out on a date, and then remind you that your feelings are actually meaningless to them when they decide to take an easy out and move on with their lives while you’re left wondering what you might have done wrong.

Well I guess all that rejection eventually got to me, because today I finally cried all the tears that I refused to spill these last months.

I vented to a best friend, and while it felt good to get stuff off my chest and I appreciated her listening, I knew she wasn’t going to say anything that made me feel better. I mean she met her fiancé in college. She’s getting married this year at 26. I don’t expect her to get what it feels like to be in my position. She said the same things I’d probably say to a friend going through the same thing, like how you have to love yourself before someone else can love you which I agree with but there are also plenty of people out there who don’t love themselves who still find people to love them.

Sometimes I feel like dating these days is a minefield. I’ve gotten unmatched just for saying something as innocuous as, “How’s your day going?” Clearly there was obviously something else going on with that person—maybe they just got out of a relationship and realized they weren’t ready for dating, maybe they started talked to someone else they were more interested in, maybe they got kidnapped by Bane—but where do I go to meet the people who I can just have a normal conversation with, meet up with for a cup of coffee, and see again if it goes well? Why can’t dating just be that simple?

If I’m being honest, it’s hard when things like this happen. Once or twice I can handle it, but when it happens again and again, my confidence does take a knock. I start to question whether I’m worthy of being loved, whether there’s something profoundly wrong with me, whether I’m going to be alone for the rest of my life.

I don’t want to dwell in these feelings longer than I have to. I’m still bummed but I’m not going to stay in bed all day and cry into my ice cream (even though I’m very tempted by the idea). I’m going to make my bed, make myself some coffee, and focus on what I can do from here to get closer to the place I want to be in my life.

Even though it’ll be hard and my heart doesn’t feel in it right now, I’m going to sit down and apply to more jobs, I’m going to spend a few hours revising my novel, I’m going to keep swiping on my dating apps so I can meet my new Next Guy and hopefully one of those Next Guys will turn out to be The Guy.

I have to admit, writing all my feelings out in this post did help me feel better. Well, I’ve stopped crying anyway so that’s a start. Here’s hoping for better days ahead!

Stoic Adventure #1: 30-Day Yoga Challenge

I knew going into the new year that I didn’t want to just set a bunch of vague resolutions like I did in years past. Life is unpredictable (as 2020 was so keen to teach us). I’ve learned that despite your best intentions, there will always be circumstances out of your control, circumstances that will hinder and even erase progress you’ve made towards your goals. I’ve also learned that goals can change. I don’t want all the same things I wanted last year, because I’m not the same person I was then.

As readers of this blog will know, I’ve spent a lot of time learning about happiness and what it truly means to be happy. Science has shown that wealth, fame, beauty, and all the other things we as a society mistakenly chase, don’t necessarily make us happier. It’s ultimately our attitudes and how grateful we are for our circumstances that make a real difference. This is a concept many of us haven’t quite grasped. That’s why we’re so moved when we see a video of a school janitor bursting into happy tears when a group of students sings happy birthday to him or when we read about a guard at Disney World who asks little girls dressed up as princesses for their autographs. On the flip side, we’re shocked when celebrities who seem to have it all take their own lives. These stories don’t fit our idea of who’s supposed to be happy and who’s not.

I’ve been thinking about life lately and what it means to be a living, breathing person who occupies our little planet. We’re alive for a certain number of years and then one day we’re gone. That’s just a fact, but what are you supposed to do with that time here? If being wealthy and famous and having a six-pack doesn’t matter when you’re on your deathbed, what should you aspire to?

It all sounds a little nihilistic and there have been days where I’ve felt a little morbid thinking about it, but the strange thing is, I’ve also found a lot of inspiration in the idea that life is fleeting. I’ve started to think of my life as a story or a canvas. Books end, paintings are finished, but it’s up to the artist to fill it up with as much excitement and beauty and adventure and twists as possible. When you look it at that way, there are no good things and bad things. There are only experiences and, while I haven’t quite figured out the meaning of life just yet (sorry), I have decided that for me a meaningful life means getting to experience as much of it as possible.

I want to do things that scare and exhilarate me. I want to flirt with handsome strangers and travel to amazing places and learn new skills and meet interesting people. I want to fail and learn from my failures and do things I didn’t think I was capable of doing. I want to have adventures both big and small, and I want to collect good memories the way other people collect rare coins or stamps.

In one of his books, modern Stoic William Irvine talks about the concept of “Stoic adventures.” This means regularly subjecting yourself to trials where there’s a high chance of failure or rejection. Going on these Stoic adventures teaches you to be more comfortable with failures, and that there are elements of every experience that are in and out of your control.

I loved this idea. I’m a big believer in the importance of failing, but being the hypocrite I am, I also do everything I can to reduce my odds of failing. Even if that means not taking a chance in the first place.

I don’t want to live that way anymore. That’s why this year I’m going to spend every week taking on a new Stoic adventure. Some will be small things and some will be bigger things, but they’ll all be things that are hard or scary or I have a chance of failing, but will improve my life in some way. I’ll be posting about each adventure on this blog to keep myself accountable.

The first adventure of the year is doing Yoga with Adriene’s 30-day yoga challenge. This might not sound very scary but if you knew how bad I was at working out regularly, you’d understand that this is no easy feat for me. I don’t think I’ve ever worked out for 30 days in a row in my entire life. Having said that, I’m excited to share I’ve already made it to day 9 with no days skipped so far! I’ll be posting a final update once I make it to the end of the challenge.

I hope you’ll join me as I embark on this adventure (or 52 adventures). I’m a little nervous, but mostly I’m just excited. It won’t be easy, but if I can pull this off, I know it’ll be a year to remember.

20 Lessons I Learned in 2020

How does one possibly sum up the year that was 2020? I can honestly say this was the most difficult, emotional, chaotic year ever, and it was also the year I learned some of the most important lessons of my life. So without further ado…

On Life:

Your life isn’t going to begin when you accomplish x or obtain y. Life started the day you were born, and it’s happening right now! It’s also never going to look exactly how you imagined. Don’t let the arbitrary deadlines we as a society set for ourselves freak you out. Being a single woman in your 30s doesn’t mean you’re an old maid. You still have so much life ahead of you, so go out and dance and kiss strangers in the rain and spend all your money on avocado toast and all that other stuff that’s supposedly reserved for younger folks.

Fail early and often. Don’t let a fear of failure stop you from trying at all, because it’s through failing that we get to a better place. As an aspiring writer, I know better than anyone how easy it is to procrastinate. I put off writing a first draft because I worry it will be terrible, but so what? It’s going to be terrible whether I write it today or one year from now. If I write it today, I’ll have an extra year to polish it and work on my craft and turn that terrible first draft into something amazing.

Don’t let other people dictate your life. Friends and family can offer helpful advice, but at the end of the day it’s about doing what’s right for you, not them. You’re the one who’s going to have to live with the decisions you make, so make sure they’re the right ones for you.

Letting go of where you are now is scary, but it’s the only way to get to a better place. Leaving a job I didn’t enjoy was the only way I could get hired at a company I love. Leaving behind a bad dating situation is the only way to make space in my life for a much healthier, loving relationship.

Life is so much more fun when you let go of expectations. That doesn’t mean not having standards for yourself or other people. That simply means going into situations without having preconceived notions of what it’s supposed to look like. Let life surprise you. Being pleasantly surprised is a lot more enjoyable than being constantly disappointed.

On Dating:

Judge someone by what they do and not what they say. I spent plenty of time with sweet-talkers, who’d call me baby and hon, tell me I was beautiful, tell me how much they missed me, and then one day, dump me like a bag of hot potatoes. If someone isn’t putting in real effort—that means asking you out on dates, making time for you in their schedule, going out of their way to show you they care—they’re not worth your time.

It’s not going to work out with most of the people you date, and that’s okay. The odds are that the majority of first dates you go on aren’t going to lead to relationships, but that doesn’t mean you can’t enjoy yourself. Pick an activity you’ve always wanted to do, eat out at a restaurant you’ve been dying to try, have fun getting dolled up, practice your flirting skills, enjoy learning about someone else’s life, and if all else fails, think of the great story it’ll make one day.

If someone really likes you, you won’t ever wonder if they do. And here’s a bonus lesson: listen to your gut. Deep down, we often know the truth, but we’ll go through a bunch of mental gymnastics to convince ourselves otherwise. You can ignore it for as long as you like, but sooner or later reality’s going to catch up to you, and the longer you wait, the harder it’s going to hit you.

Have your own life. You shouldn’t be sitting around hoping your crush will ask to see you. For starters, this just sets you up for disappointment if they don’t. It also just makes you not a very interesting person. Think about it this way: would you want to date the person who spent the last week watching Netflix and waiting for you to call or the person who went to the museum, learned how to cook duck à l’orange, dominated their friends at board game night, and took a trapeze class?

Have standards, and communicate them often. A relationship only works if both people are getting what they need out of it. When you really like someone, all you want to do is make them happy, and that makes you willing to sacrifice your standards. Don’t. Ever. Do. This. I can’t emphasize enough how important this is. Sure, it might scare off some guys, but you don’t want those kind of guys in your life in the first place. The ones who stick around will be the ones who respect you and will connect with you on a much deeper level. Believe it or not, having standards actually makes you more desirable, so if you don’t have some, get some!

On Happiness:

Have a life philosophy. That means knowing how you’re going to deal with setbacks, what’s going to make you happy, and how you’re going to live your life. Since I learned about Stoicism this year, it’s become my go-to philosophy, and I no longer feel like I’m just wandering aimlessly through my life.

Some of the most powerful tools for happiness are 100% free. Since I started regularly meditating and journaling this year, my stress levels have dropped considerably. I’ve gotten much better at not ruminating on negative thoughts, and I’m learning to be more present in each moment which leads me to my next point…

Forget the past and future, the present is where it’s at. You have no control over the past because it isn’t actually real, all you have are memories of it (mind-blowing, I know!). The future obviously hasn’t happened yet but the present…oh, the present is a beautiful place. You have the power to shape it exactly how you want, to make it as enjoyable or as horrible as you’d like. Right now I’m at home visiting my parents. I could spend my time moping in bed thinking about all the things that went wrong this year or I could spend it watching a good movie with my dad, cooking with my mom, laughing and having fun. The present is amazing, so enjoy it, appreciate it, and stop trying to live somewhere else.

The quality of our social connections is the #1 thing that determines our happiness. Money, status, flashy cars…all that stuff means nothing if you don’t have good people in your life. Go out there and meet people who are interested in the same stuff as you, strengthen your relationships with the friends and family you already have, and prioritize experiences with the people you love over material goods.

Don’t let anyone make you feel bad about putting yourself first. Self-care isn’t selfish, it’s a priority. Ever hear the phrase, “You can’t pour from an empty cup?” Being our best possible selves also means we can show up for the people in our lives in the best possible way. So go ahead and draw yourself a bubble bath, pour yourself some wine, and get your hygge on.

Be grateful. It’s human nature to focus on the negative over the positive (those pesky evolutionary traits), but I’m willing to bet there’s a lot in your life worth appreciating. Nobody loves you? Your friends and family beg to differ. You’ve accomplished nothing in your life? Younger you disagrees! Practice gratitude as often as you can, even for the things you take for granted, like the home you live in, the food you eat, the fresh air you get to breathe. It’ll change your whole perspective.

Happiness is not something you need to chase. I can’t speak for those with depression or other extenuating circumstances, but for a lot of us, we already have everything we need at our disposal. Psychology shows that most of the tools for happiness are pretty simple: meditation, gratitude, exercise, sleep, and social connections to name a few.

On Self-Worth:

Rejection is rarely personal and is by no means a reflection of who you are as a person. Getting passed over for a job doesn’t mean you’re not good at what you do, getting dumped doesn’t mean you’re not desirable. You never know what experiences and ideas have shaped another person’s perspective of you and the sooner you realize that, the sooner you can brush it off and find people who will appreciate what you have to offer.

Be kind to yourself. I can guarantee you will make mistakes and bad decisions. You’ll do things you’ll still regret years down the road. You’re not the only one. You can’t judge yourself on the mistakes you made in the past with the knowledge and experience you have in the present. Besides, those mistakes are the very things that helped you grow and become a better person.

And finally:

It’s never too late to build the life you want. It doesn’t matter if you’re 16 or 60, don’t make the mistake of thinking you’re out of time. Maybe you’re older than you would have liked to be when making a change, but you’re younger than you will be five years from now and that version of you is going to think you’re a dummy if you don’t take action. And guess what! You don’t have to wait for a new year to start over. You can start over as many times as you like—every month, every day, every hour, even right now.

The Power of Negative Thinking

As a new year rapidly approaches (thank god), most of us are sitting at home thinking about everything we want to accomplish in 2021. That’s the magic of a new year—something about the moment that second hand ticks to midnight convinces us that this is it, our chance to finally make all our dreams come true. We fantasize about the promotions we’ll get, the whirlwind romances in our future, our svelte new physiques. Never mind that we had similar hopes in the past only for our motivation to fizzle out by March. This year will be different.

Well, it can be, and that’s where WOOP comes in. WOOP stands for Wish, Outcome, Obstacle, Plan. It’s also known as Mental Contrasting with Implementation Intentions (MCII), and psychologist Gabriele Oettingen spent over 20 years researching it (fun fact: she’s also a real-life princess…how badass is that?). You can read all about her work in her book, Rethinking Positive Thinking: Inside The New Science Of Motivation.

The idea behind WOOP is that positive thinking alone isn’t enough to help you achieve a goal to completion. Sure, pinning a bunch of inspiring Pinterest quotes to your mood board can help, but it’s only one step of the journey, and too much of that daydreaming can actually hinder you from reaching your goal. Studies have shown, “Those who have stronger, more positive fantasies about reaching their goals are actually less likely to achieve them.”

There are a lot of great reasons to try WOOP. According to the official website, WOOP can help you improve your health, social behavior, and academic performance. It can even help you overcome past disappointments, resentments, and other negative feelings. The best part? It’s absolutely free, and anyone can do it anywhere, anytime.

So how do you actually do WOOP? It’s very easy and only takes 5-10 minutes. Start by finding a quiet place where you won’t be interrupted. Make sure you are calm and relaxed. Then, follow these steps:

Set a timeframe for your goal. You don’t have to set one if you don’t wish, but it can be anywhere from a day to much longer.
Think about the next month (or whatever timeframe you chose). Pick a wish that will be challenging, but you can fulfill. In 3-6 words, write down this wish.
Think about the best possible outcome and how fulfilling that wish would make you feel. In 3-6 words, write down your best outcome.
Now take a few moments to imagine the outcome. Lose yourself in your daydream and the positive feelings that’ll accompany accomplishing that goal.
Identify your main inner obstacle to achieving that wish. What within you might hold you back? Fear? Laziness? In 3-6 words, write down your main obstacle.
Take a few moments to imagine your obstacle. Lose yourself, just as you did in your daydream. Allow yourself to fully feel the frustrations and negative feelings.
Make an if-then plan. Come up with an action you can take or a thought you can think to overcome your main obstacle. Your plan should follow this format: If (obstacle happens), then (I will do this). For example, your if-then plan could be: If (I feel too lazy to workout), then (I will change into my gym clothes).
Write down your if-then plan and slowly repeat it to yourself a few times.

And that’s it, you just completed your first WOOP! What’s great about WOOP is that you can use it in every part of your life, from your career to your health to your relationships. You can do it as often as you need or whenever your goals change. I recommend checking out the official website linked above, which includes lots of interesting research and useful resources, including a free app that lets you track your progress towards your goals.

Too often we get lost in our fantasies, making great progress towards our goals until we encounter our first obstacle and find ourselves faltering. The great thing about WOOP is that it accounts for those obstacles, which are often inevitable, and arms us with a plan for overcoming them.

I plan on using WOOP often in 2021 to help me reach my goals. If you decide to give it a try, be sure to let me know how it worked for you. Here’s hoping all that negative thinking leads to a whole lot of positive outcomes in the new year!

The Art of Coziness

Let me set a scene for you: powdery, white snow blankets the city. The usual barrage of honking horns and loud passerby are missing from the streets. Inside, the radiator hisses and rattles as it breathes warm air into the room, and a fire crackles in the hearth. Something warm is bubbling on the stove. The lights are dimmed and candles flicker all around you, and in your hands you hold a cozy book and a cup of hot chocolate. You feel safe, and warm, and content. This is hygge.

That was more or less what my evening looked like yesterday. Okay, I don’t have a fireplace, so I played a video of one on my TV, and there definitely wasn’t anything bubbling on the stove (I ordered takeout again, sue me), but I think I had the general concept down.

Yesterday I read, The Little Book of Hygge by Meik Wiking (amazing name). There’s a good chance you’re already familiar with this Danish concept of coziness, since it gained some global popularity a few years ago. The exact definition is difficult to pin down since it’s more of a feeling, but you’ve probably experienced it before. It’s candles, and warmth, and togetherness, and a coziness you feel in your very soul.

The great thing about hygge is anyone can do it anywhere. It doesn’t cost a specified amount of money, and you can do it with other people or alone. Here is “The Hygge Manifesto” as laid out in the book:

Atmosphere: dim lighting, candles, cozy setting
Presence: be here in the moment, no phones allowed
Pleasure: indulge in a warm drink and something sweet or hearty (preferably home-cooked)
Equality: help share tasks, like cooking, and don’t make the conversation all about you
Gratitude: appreciate this moment
Harmony: this is not the time to brag about your promotion or new car
Comfort: let yourself truly unwind
Truce: save the debates and controversial topics for another day
Togetherness: reminisce about shared memories and build relationships
Shelter: these are your people and this is your place. You’re safe here.

There are other great tips in the book, like what to eat (meals that take a long time to prepare are ideal) and what to wear (warm sweaters and wool socks). Reading it made me realize I’ve been a connoisseur of the hygge lifestyle for ages. For me, a warm drink + candles + a cozy book + rain = pure bliss.

It’s no wonder the people of Denmark are so happy, considering hygge is such a huge part of their national identity. It combines some of the most important elements necessary for happiness: social connection, gratitude, and savoring. They could have let the cold, dreary winters bring down their moods, but instead the Danes discovered a way to appreciate the joy and magic of the season.

In a time of increasing polarization, a global pandemic, and unprecedented obstacles, hygge can be especially useful. I loved the concept of hyggesnak, which doesn’t mean, as I initially assumed, the snacks you eat during hygge but “chitchat or cozy conversation that doesn’t touch on controversial issues.” Obviously, issues having to do with politics or social justice are very important, but I think people on both sides of these discussions can agree that they can be very draining. Taking a moment to breath and enjoy a quiet moment with friends might be just what the doctor ordered. Then, instead of a bunch of frazzled, high-strung people yelling at each other, we can have nuanced, productive conversations.

Last night, as I watched the snow float down from the sky and sipped my hot chocolate, I felt like I was on vacation or I’d been whisked away to some special place. I was actually surprised when I turned the lights back on and realized it was only Wednesday night. There’s a line I enjoy from the Memoirs of a Geisha movie where the main character talks about the art of turning habit into pleasure. To me, that’s what hygge is. It’s taking an ordinary day and transforming it into contentment and great memories.

From now on, I want to treat myself to a hygge moment at least once a week. For now, alone, but when the pandemic is over, with friends and family. I’m looking forward to the day when we can sit around in our warm sweaters and fuzzy socks, enjoy good conversation, and just be content to be with the people we love most.

The Happiness Workout

You know what I never realized? How much work actually goes into being happy.

First, you have to set up a bunch of good habits for yourself. Then, you have to actually do those things every day. You have to motivate yourself, overcome the lies your brain tells you about what will actually make you happy, and engage in a constant battle of wills with the negative thoughts floating around your head.

Since I got interested in positive psychology a few months ago, I’ve been trying to implement as much of what I’ve learned into my daily life as possible. I meditate every day, practice gratitude, journal, get 8 hours of sleep (often more), and spend time learning about new happiness practices. There are other areas that I know would make a huge difference and I’ve made some strides in, but I’m nowhere near where I want to be. I can still go weeks without exercising, I order way too much takeout, and as a result of the pandemic, I don’t have nearly as much social connection in my life as I’d like.

When you still have so far to go, it’s easy to feel like you’re not making much progress at all. I haven’t been unhappy these past few days, but I also haven’t been bursting with joy. I haven’t been actively excited about my life, which is the way you want to feel when you’re putting all this work in.

Luckily, my meditation app helped put some things into perspective for me. This morning, after I finished my guided meditation, I was given a prompt about what small changes I’ve noticed since starting my practice. I realized that since I started meditating and putting some of my other positive practices into place, the minor irritations of the day hardly faze me anymore.

In the past, if a car blared its horn for a minute straight outside my window, it would have made my head pound and I’d be unable to focus on anything else. But now? Nothing. If something went wrong at work or I had extra tasks piled on at the last minute, I’d get stressed out. Now I just accept it, knowing that however I feel about it isn’t going to change anything. I dive straight into figuring out a solution, and I’m able to reach a solution or finish the task much quicker.

Even more unbelievable, since I started practicing stoicism, there are times I find myself actually hoping for a setback in my day just so I have a chance to pass a “stoic test.” I never thought I would say that!

Looking back at my progress has me realize happiness is truly like a muscle. It’s something that needs to be exercised in order to become stronger. For the best results, it’s something you have to do regularly, ideally every day. I’m still very early into my happiness journey, and I suppose if happiness was such an easy thing to achieve, the world would look a lot different. People wouldn’t shell out money on cosmetic surgery, or expensive houses and clothes, or work themselves ragged trying to get that promotion—all the things most of us mistakenly think will make us happier.

The good news is, there’s no time limit or deadline on learning how to be happier. It’s a lifelong journey and you can start anytime. Those little bits of progress add up, and maybe as I make more progress and gain more knowledge, the changes will become even easier to notice. That’s how it is with everything else in life: working out, learning how to play an instrument, starting a new course in school. There’s no reason becoming happier should be any different.

My Tiny Kitchen

If you’ve never gone apartment hunting in New York City before, lucky you.

Never in my life did I think I’d be so thankful for basic features like windows and closets, which are in short supply in many NYC apartments. A washer/dryer in the building? It’s like winning the lottery. Having one in your actual apartment? Fuggedaboutit! (p.s. I still have yet to hear an actual New Yorker say this).

Luckily, I’ve actually had some pretty good fortune in this area. My current studio is in a location I love, right by Central Park and lots of great restaurants. It even has a cool little reading nook that you have to climb a ladder to access. There’s only one part of it I really find lacking, and that’s the kitchen.

I hesitate to even use the term kitchen, because of how sparse it is. There’s my fridge, and next to that is the sink, and next to that is the stove and…that’s it. That’s right, that’s my whole kitchen. I don’t even have a counter, just a wooden board to precariously balance over my sink or stove if I need to do any food prep.

Actual footage of me trying to make food in my kitchen

I decided to overlook it, because I liked everything else about the apartment. I also didn’t cook a lot and got a lot of my meals through work, so I figured I’d barely be using it anyway. Then, of course, the pandemic came along, and while everyone else was stress-baking bread and cooking up other delectable recipes, I was trying to figure out a way to use my sink and stove at the same time.

I worried that my kitchen (or lack of) would be a constant source of frustration, but—in that wonderful way humans do—I adapted. I just sort of got used to not having that much space and learned to work around it. I counted my good graces; I was still lucky enough to have a microwave, an oven, and most miraculous of all, a dishwasher. I decided to get resourceful and transformed an old ladder shelf into make-shift storage for my cooking tools. I put a bedside table next to the stove and used it to balance my cutting board when I needed more space.

Whenever I tell others about my tiny kitchen, I always end up concluding with, “Wherever I live after this, my next kitchen is going to seem gigantic compared to this one. I won’t even know what to do with all that extra space!”

In a lot of ways, learning to navigate cooking in this apartment has felt like the times I’ve had to navigate life during its most challenging moments. Take this pandemic, for example.

While others had roommates or partners or family to spend all that time at home with, I was alone. Luckily, my introverted nature prepared me for most of the emotional struggles, but that didn’t mean I didn’t get bored or find myself craving human connection.

Like I’d done with my kitchen, I forced myself to think of the positives of the situation. I still had my health and a job. I had access to food, running water, Netflix. People who lived through past pandemics definitely didn’t have access to all those things. After I took a moment to count my blessings, I decided it was time to get resourceful. With all my extra time, I caught up with friends on video chat, I turned my living room into my own fitness studio, I used my free time to write, cook more, learn how to knit, and even bought a ukulele (that last one was an impulse buy).

If you’ve been following this blog, you know there were also other struggles during this time. I figured, if I could overcome all of that and learn how to enjoy being on my own, generate my own happiness from within, and never get bored in my own company, then everything that comes after this pandemic will just feel like the cherry on top of the sundae.

We let hard times bring us down, but maybe what we really need to do is treat them like a challenge or a training period. It’s like athletes playing practice games before a real game or a writer crumpling up dozens of terrible drafts before creating something beautiful.

Living good lives and being happy, that’s something we need to practice. If you can get it right when everything’s going wrong, you’ll never again worry about what life’s going to throw at you next. You’ve been through the worst, and you handled it. You’ll handle whatever comes next, too.

Confessions of a Social Media Manager

So here’s something people are always surprised to learn about me: I’m not the biggest fan of social media.

Okay, there are some caveats to this, but you would think someone who’d chosen to make a career out of social media would be a more avid user.

The thing is, when I started working in social media back in 2013, it was a different thing entirely. Facebook wasn’t this corrupt entity, just a way to see what was going on in your friends’ lives. People weren’t getting canceled on Twitter, and YouTube stars weren’t releasing apologies over controversies every week. I’m pretty sure social media still wasn’t perfect then, but it definitely wasn’t the beast it’s become now.

Whenever I get started on a social media rant, I always feel like I should be holding a cane and waving it emphatically at any youths in the vicinity. I’m pretty sure I’m not going to say anything you haven’t heard before on the topic. Social media kills our attention spans, makes us more self-conscious, increases anxiety…sure, we know all this already.

It also lets us connect with people all around the world, feel like we’re part of a global community, express our creativity, increase awareness around important issues, do social good with a few keystrokes.

Social media isn’t inherently a good or bad thing in itself. It’s all in the way we use it, and one of the ways in which social media contributes most to our unhappiness is the reference points it provides.

Reference points are important, because they affect how we perceive our own happiness and quality of life. If you compare yourself to a coworker, your life probably won’t look too bad in comparison. If you compare yourself to Taylor Swift, that’s a different story. The problem is, social media presents us with nothing but unrealistic reference points. Scroll through your Instagram feed and you’ll see a bunch of teenage influencers sipping champagne on a yacht, ordinary meals styled to look impeccable with the perfect lighting, girls made up with professional makeup and nary a pore to be found. (This is not actually what my feed looks like btw).

Even your friends only post the best or most photogenic moments of their lives making it seem like everyone’s constantly having the most amazing time. I’ve actually worked with a few influencers at past jobs. It was amazing to scroll through their social media where they’d accumulated thousands of followers. They’d post pictures of themselves wearing glamorous outfits, flouncing around the city without a care in the world. If you didn’t know them in real life, you’d think they spent all their time going on amazing vacations, eating the best foods, and lounging around their penthouse apartments in expensive gowns. I did know them in real life, and real life was a much a different story.

At their day jobs, they didn’t dress up or come in with full faces of makeup. Most of them spent 40 hours a week being stressed out by terrible bosses, underpaid, and unsatisfied with their work. Maybe the rest of their lives were just as glamorous as it was on their Instagrams, but the part that wasn’t glamorous sure didn’t feature in any of their pictures.

Since learning the truth, I now tend to look at most influencers’ posts with a skeptical eye. I know that behind every perfect picture there’s a less than imperfect story, and that’s okay! We’re all imperfect, and if you want to portray a different story on social media, that’s okay too. It’s just important for all the rest of us to remember that what we’re seeing is in fact just that: a story.

There are times when I get frustrated with the people in my own life. Friends and family who will make me wait to take a bite of my meal until they get a great picture or who have their heads bowed down towards their phones the whole time we’re on vacation. I won’t pretend I haven’t been occasionally guilty of doing the same. When I visited Notre Dame in Paris a few years ago, everyone inside the cathedral had their devices out even though there were multiple signs informing visitors this was not allowed. When the news of it catching on fire broke out, I was so grateful for the time I’d been allowed to spend there, and even more grateful that I remembered every detail of the experience so vividly because I’d stubbornly refused to take my phone out.

I guess the whole point of this rambling rant is that social media can be a fun way to pass the time and, in many ways, a great tool. However, it’s up to us to make sure we’re using it in a way that benefits us instead of letting it run the way we live our lives. Lately, my social feeds have been filled with nothing more than pictures of dogs, happy quotes, posts about obscure interests, and cooking videos. That change alone was enough to reduce my daily anxiety considerably.

I’m not trying to tell you how to spend your time on the internet. I’m just saying, a few extra cute animals on your feed couldn’t hurt.

The Hedonic Treadmill

Think about the last time you wanted something. Really wanted something. The thing you were convinced would make you happy once you had it. Was it a new iPhone? A high-paying job? A relationship?

Now think about what happened after you got it. Did it make you happy? if yes, did it still make you happy after a fews day? A month? a year? Do you still sit around each day thinking about how happy that thing makes you even now?

Or like the vast majority of people, did you just sort of get used to it, find something new to chase after and convince yourself that this was the thing that would actually make you happy? If so, it sounds like you’ve found yourself on the hedonic treadmill.

The hedonic treadmill, or hedonic adaptation, is the idea that we tend to return to stable levels of happiness, even after a major change in our lives. That’s why there are lottery winners who find themselves no happier than before they won millions, and amputees who are no less happy than they were before they lost a limb. It doesn’t matter if at the time they thought what was happening to them was the greatest thing ever or the worst. Humans adapt, they start taking things for granted, they find themselves with new things that bring them happiness and new sets of problems.

On the one hand, this is great news. Not getting into the college of your choice, not getting that promotion you wanted, not ending up with the person you were convinced was the one…none of those individual things are going to affect your long-term happiness. I know it feels like the worst thing ever, but guess what? Scientific research shows that people are really bad at predicting how happy or unhappy something is going to make them.

But wait, what about the good things? Does that mean nothing’s actually going to make you truly happy? It turns out, there are a few ways you can increase how much happiness you get out of the good things.

For starters, you can take some time each day to practice gratitude. I’ve done this practice off and on over the years, but I’ve only really gotten serious about dedicating time to it in the last few weeks. I spend about ten minutes writing about a few things in my journal that I really appreciate. It can be something good that happened that day or it can be something or someone that’s been there all along. Sometimes, I’ll find myself writing about things I never even think about, like the fact that I have two working eyes that let me appreciate all the beauty in the world or that I have running water in my apartment. It makes me feel fortunate for all the good things in my life, even on days when things aren’t going my way.

Another thing you can do is practice savoring. If you’ve ever seen a Korean variety show, one staple is the cast being presented with some kind of food. It doesn’t matter if it’s home-cooked kimchi fried rice or a meal prepared by a world-class chef. The cast will ooh and ahh over it, making noises of exaggerated contentment and smiling with each bite. It’s the reason why I always find myself ordering Korean takeout after watching these shows. They’re so good at enjoying something simple, that it makes me want to experience the same sort of joy. Try it the next time you find yourself eating something delicious, having a really good conversation with friends, traveling somewhere amazing. Be present in the moment, and really engage all of your senses. Savor every moment and keep reminding yourself how lucky you are to enjoy the moment.

But one of the absolutely best things you can do is to change what you actually value. Prioritize experiences over possessions. What are the moments from your past that still make you smile after all these years? I bet it’s that time you baked cookies with your family, rocked out at an amazing concert, watched cheesy romcoms with your best friend. I’m willing to bet one of those memories was not the day you bought your AirPods.

All my life, I had the mindset that once all the things on my checklist were completed, I would be perfectly happy and find myself wanting for nothing else. I did check some of those things off, but then I would find new things to add to the list making it impossible to truly ever make it to the end of the list.

I think the most important lesson of the hedonic treadmill is this: you don’t need to wait for everything to align perfectly in your life. Happiness isn’t some distant thing that will always be just out of reach. Hop off the treadmill. When you stop running, you’ll find the thing you’ve been chasing all these years has been within reach the whole time.

Little Talks

Growing up, I was painfully shy. A friend in high school told me she thought I was snobby the first time we met, because I refused to make eye contact with her. Snobby? Moi??

To someone who was so lacking in confidence, the idea that high school me would think she was better than anyone was laughable. Striking up conversations with strangers was terrifying, even making small talk with acquaintances was a nightmare situation I did my best to avoid.

I don’t know when exactly it happened, but over the years things started to change. I realized, one day, that I could go on a date without getting nervous, answer questions in a job interview without my head going blank.

Though, even now, I wouldn’t say I’m quite on the opposite end of the scale. There are still situations that make me sweat through my best blouse: public speaking, karaoke, looking like the tin man come to life in a dance class.

In the longest study ever done on the topic, researchers discovered the one thing that most accurately predicted future happiness: the quality of our relationships.

It doesn’t matter if you’re rich or poor, young or old, the people who are happiest are the ones who have the most fulfilling relationships in their lives. In fact, their relationships impact all other areas of their lives, including their physical health and how many years they’ll live.

Unfortunately, more than one in five Americans report feelings of loneliness (and that was before the pandemic). As a lifelong introvert, I can definitely say I’ve spent a lot of time experiencing such feelings myself. I find myself envious of people I perceive to have more fulfilling social lives, wondering constantly how I can connect with more people.

I think this is a problem a lot of people in their 20s and 30s deal with. After you leave college, how do you make friends? Sure, you’ll probably make a few friends at work and you might get friendly with your roommates, but it’s certainly not as easy as when you were in school.

I’ve been thinking about this a lot, particularly because this is something I want to work on next year. As I’ve continued to study the psychology behind happiness, I’ve seen the importance of social connections emphasized over and over again.

Sure, I have my wonderful family. I have some great best friends. I have my writing group. Yet, I still feel like my social calendar is relatively empty each week.

All big changes start with a bunch of little changes, so I decided to challenge myself. I don’t need to become best friends with everyone I meet, I just need to connect with them for a moment. So, I decided to ask everyone I came into contact with today how their day was going.

Such a small thing, right? Earlier today, I had a a checkup at the fertility clinic where I’ll be doing my egg freezing, so I asked the receptionist, the nurse who drew my blood, the doctor. Everyone’s smile grew a little when they heard the question. Some of them told me about their days, some said it was good and then politely asked me the same question.

But my absolute favorite interaction? The one I had with my Uber driver.

Like most people, I’ll usually just give the driver a friendly greeting and then busy myself on my phone or by staring with my eyes glazed over out the window. Not today! And I’m so glad I asked, because the driver absolutely lit up when he heard the question. He said, “It’s so nice of you to ask. Nobody ever asks me anything like that. Thank you for being so sweet.”

We ended up talking about his life in Jamaica before moving to the city, his pet cockatoo who he had to give away over the summer, his mother who passed away a few years ago.

The conversation was fascinating, and it was fun! The drive passed by in a flash—certainly preferable to sitting in lonely silence—and when he dropped me off, the driver thanked me again for chatting and wished me a wonderful week ahead.

Okay, so the Uber driver and I probably won’t end up becoming best friends, but this is how friendships start, relationships develop. With something as simple as an ordinary question. And even if it doesn’t go anywhere, the happy glow from a great conversation (and your bravery in initiating it) will stay with you and the other person for hours to come.

From now on, I’m going to keep asking strangers how their day is going. I challenge you to do the same. I think we’ll all be pleasantly surprised by the big things that can come from these little actions.